B Movies Blog

Hello, Movie Mavens! Welcome back to the B Movies Blog. Today, we’re popping teen magazines into the ol’ VCR.

When I was growing up, my walls were PLASTERED with posters from teen magazines. 

In fact, I still have my 8th grade journal (that’s decorated with a duct tape tribute to the Green Day heart grenade from their American Idiot album, thank you), and there are posters taped throughout. 

My big six were: 

• YM
• J-14 
• Tiger Beat 
• Seventeen 
• CosmoGirl 
• Teen Vogue 

Fun fact: Sue Rose, the creator of Pepper Ann, actually debuted the series as a comic strip in YM magazine 

I couldn’t wait to go to the store to look at all the magazines and pick out a couple. I feel guilty now because I know my mom was probably sacrificing something she needed to get them for me. 

I digress. 

Instead of breaking down the history of each magazine, I thought it would be fun to create a nostalgic personality quiz so that you can see which B Movies Blog piece you are. 

And yes, this is absolutely why this piece was posted late. 

Which B Movies Blog are you?

Are you a Beach Horror Babe or a Cabin Horror Cutie? Find out with our five question quiz! 

Question One: It’s the summer of 2006. Your mom takes you to Blockbuster to grab some movies for the weekend. As you walk through the aisles, you remember that there’s a summer promotion for rent one, get one free. Which two movies do you choose?

1. Into the Blue and Blue Crush*
2. Wet Hot American Summer and American Pie: Band Camp 
3. Planes, Trains and Automobiles and Speed 
4. Summer Catch and Now and Then 

*18 years later, you’ll write in a blog post that you wanted to rent these movies because you thought everyone in them was hot, but you wouldn’t come out for another 8 years. 

Question Two: OMG, your camp crush* likes you back! They want to know where you’d like to meet up later for what will probably be one of the worst but most special kisses you’ve ever had. Where do you want to meet?

1. The lazy river (they’re the lifeguard on duty, but we’re sure it’s fine) 
2. In the abandoned cabin at the edge of camp (they could never prove it was murder and not just an allergic reaction to knives) 
3. One of the empty buses (nothing sets the mood like the smell of damp, moldy seats) 
4. The bottom bunk you’re staying in (it reminds you of your bedroom at home, and it’ll give you something to think about while you kiss your J-14 posters later) 

*You’ll also think about the summer of 2009 where a girl at camp clearly liked you and you liked her, but a) it was clear neither of you were out and b) you’re almost 32-year-old and still can’t always tell when someone likes you. 

Question Three: You got a job at your town’s pool for the summer…in the concession stand*. The good news is, you and your friends all have a day off coming up. How do you plan to spend your free time?

1. Soaking up rays…at the pool where you work. It’s free to get in, and one of your friends has a crush on one of the lifeguards. Even though you know he’s a douche, you’re a teenager, and peer pressure reigns supreme. 
2. Becoming one with nature at the local state park. There is absolutely no reason you should be jumping off cliffs into the water as teenagers, but hey, blame it on your underdeveloped prefrontal cortex. 
3. Driving through your small town trying to decide what to do until it’s too late to do anything else outside of the movie nights and Walmart trips you always have. 
4. Just hanging out in one of their bedrooms. You all have a lot of gossip to catch up on, so you make a snack run and buckle in. 

*I’m not speaking from experience, but there’s nothing like grease, heat, and puberty to make your face break out like nobody’s business. In fact, this summer was, hypothetically-speaking, the beginning of your years-long love affair with Proactiv. Also, Elliott was a lifeguard at the same pool, so there’s some B Movies lore for all of you. 

Question Four: Le sigh. Your favorite band just announced a hiatus. While wiping away your tears with the latest edition of Tiger Beat, you decide you want to grieve in another way. How are you going to mourn the most devastating loss of your young life thus far?* 

1. Lying out on the trampoline listening to their music until it gets too hot. You’ll miss them, but you also overheat easily. 
2. Making your mom take you to the nearest part to write the band’s name on one of the benches in sharpie. You know it’ll be there forever because your small town is more concerned about banning books than any sort of beautification initiatives. 
3. Journaling from the bench at your local train station. Sam from Garden State could NEVER. 
4. Caking on black eyeliner, grabbing your best Hot Topic tee, and taking new selfies for MySpace. Trust me, that’s what they would want. 

*You didn’t really associate with your paternal grandfather anyway. 

Question Five: You’re playing MASH with your friends. It’s sooo fourth grade, but you want to think back to a simpler time before high school*. You’ve written everything in except where you’re going to live with Gerard Way and your 47 kids. Where are you hoping to hang your hat?

1. A bungalow on the beach. You’ll need SPF 4000 to keep your porcelain, emo skin safe, but it just feels right. 
2. A cabin in the woods. You won’t have to worry about the hustle and bustle of the city, only the occasional goof in a hockey mask. 
3. A converted train car. Who needs indoor plumbing or running water?
4. Your parents’ house. It’s already paid off, and little do you know that you’re about to live through unprecedented times for the next two decades. 

*You couldn’t pay me to go back to high school. 

Mostly As 

Beach Horror Babe: You’re all about fun in the sun! Unfortunately, that means you’ll probably find yourself toes up from a shark attack, killer piranhas, or a good ol’ fashioned sandy psychopath. Who cares if the old man at the gas station warned you and all of your friends not to go to the beach? Enjoy that sun while you have it, girlie! 

Mostly Bs 

Cabin Horror Cutie: There’s nothing like enjoying nature! I’m sure the sound of snapping twigs was nothing. I’m also sure that it was the right decision to bring your portable DVD player instead of tennis shoes. Now, I’ll leave you to get back to the creepy old journal you found. Be sure to read all the Latin passages aloud to impress your crush! 

Mostly Cs 

Transportation Horror Treasure: You’re a girl on the go! But, you might also be the girl who gets got. You’ve got places to be, and sadly, one of those places might be the morgue. Don’t worry, though! We’ll be sure to scan your bus pass on the way out. 

Mostly Ds 

Summer Bummer Horror Sweetie: There’s nothing wrong with being a homebody. But, in the world of horror, you might be a home body instead. Don’t answer the phone. Don’t agree to babysit. And, don’t leave your Jiffy Pop unattended. That’s a fire hazard, girl!