B Movies Blog

Hello, Movie Mavens! Welcome back to the ol’ B Movies Blog. Today, we’re popping Rhys Frake-Waterfield’s Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey into the VCR. 

If you had told me a horror movie based on E.E. Cummings’ Winnie the Pooh would be one of the best theater experiences I’ve had in a hot minute, I more than likely would’ve believed you. I mean, it’s very on brand 🤷

Y’all, I loved this movie. It’s so high camp and so purposely ridiculous (at least I hope it’s purposely). My friend and I laughed out loud with the other handful of people in the theater, and I feel like we all came out better people because of it. 

Alrighty, let’s get into childhood-ruining chaos that is Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey. 

As the film begins, we learn Christopher Robin stumbled into the 100 Acre Wood (aka 100 Aker Wood) as a child and discovers a group of human/animal hybrids, aka our beloved characters. As time passes, Christopher Robin brings the characters food, but eventually abandons the creatures to head off to college. 

With their entire food source deplenished, Pooh and friends, uh, vote to eat Eeyore and vow their revenge on mankind (don’t worry, this part is done in badass little drawings, and they spare us the corpse of Eeyore). 

Years later, Christopher Robin returns to the 100 Acre Woods with his fiance to find that Pooh and Piglet have both gone feral. The dynamic duo chases the soon-to-be Mr. and Mrs. Robin through the camp, and Piglet brutally slaughters the missus. Christopher Robin is then captured by Pooh, where he will be tied up and flogged with Eeyore’s tail later. Yes, you read that correctly. No, it’s not a sentence I’d ever think I’d write. 

We then cut to the gaggle of girls who will serve as our main cast throughout the rest of the film. Our final girl*, Alice, is working through the trauma of not only being stalked, but awaking to her stalker having made his way into her bedroom and caressing her shoulder. In an attempt to overcome her issues, her group of gal pals rents an AirBnB…that just so happens to be near the 100 Acre Woods. 

Needless to say, it doesn’t go well. 

Now, I don’t want to ruin the experience of this truly wild film for you. Instead of breaking down my thoughts into individual points and paragraphs, I’d like to share a list of the actual thoughts I had throughout the movie, with zero context and in no particular order. Think of it like MST3K without a movie in the background.

Okay, here we go: 

• Why does Piglet walk like he has a constant erection?
• Oh god, I just remembered the very real episode of Degrassi: The Next Generation where Spinner gets a boner in class. 
• Secondly, why does Piglet always squeal like he’s climaxing? E.E. Cumming, if you will. 
• Does that girl’s tattoo really say “demigod?”
• This girl is the kind of girl who would tell everyone she got Cassie rising on a Buzzfeed quiz called “Which Euphoria character represents your astrological sign?” but would actually get Lexi rising. 
• How did Christopher Robin become a doctor in like five years?
• That girl’s face looks like mystery meat. 
• “Lick that honey from a pot, that’s a wet ass Pooh bear.”
• I guess Pooh went to the Michael Myers’ school of driving. 
• Why is that girl swimming in a pool that Piglet can stand up in?
• I wish a tumbleweed would roll between Piglet and this woman. 
• Why did Alice grab a musket like she’s Colonel Mustard?
• Is Pooh about to go angrily dance through a golf course with Zac Efron, or smoke and do gymnastics through a warehouse like Kevin Bacon?
• Why is Pooh wearing dishwashing gloves like he’s auditioning to be Mom from Dexter’s Lab?
• This is directly from Halloween: H20.  
• This is like if the kids from A Clockwork Orange were 30-40 years older and loved CCR. 
• Maybe that’s how Pooh lost his pants and got a crop top. 
• Please God let his only line in this movie be, “Oh, bother.” 
• Did Winnie the Pooh just backhand that girl several times?

So…yeah. 

If the real list of things I jotted down in the bathroom at the movie theater doesn’t make you want to see this movie, nothing will. Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey will be best enjoyed with a group of friends who grew up on SyFy originals, or have a good sense of humor about things, especially in the horror space. 

Also, Rhys Frake-Waterfield, if you’re reading this, I have two requests: 

1. Please change the title of the next film to Winnie the Two. It’s right there, man. 
2. Please throw Tigger into the mix.