Cup Of Fears: Guessing The Coffee Orders Of Horror’s Masked Maniacs

Hello, Movie Mavens! Welcome back to the B Movies Blog. Today, we’re popping horror coffee orders into the ol’ VCR.

Friends, we have a lot of fun here. And let me tell you, the idea for this piece made me giggle like Ron Swanson. Also, don’t look now, but the fact I read a lot of Cracked articles growing up is showing.

I was initially just going to rank five (seven, if we’re being technical) of my favorite masked maniacs, which is perfectly respectable. However, because of who I am as a person, it didn’t feel quite right, so I started scheming.

Me laughing to myself in my apartment.

Then, it hit me. I was briefly a barista at a certain horrible coffee chain that you shouldn’t be purchasing coffee from right now. I know the “stereotypes.” (All I ask is to be nice to your baristas and not buy coffee from certain chains. I promise this is all in good fun.)

What if I paired these villains with what I think their coffee order would be and explained why? That’s what a normal person would pivot to, right?

Honestly, I love this idea so much you may see it pop up again with other characters, orders, etc. But for now, I give you the fictional coffee orders and their justifications for Michael Myers, Ghostface, Jason Vorhees, Leatherface, and the trio from The Strangers.

Leaving the bathroom after two cups of morning coffee and a breakfast burrito.

Michael Myers: Cafe Olé

Slowly sips his coffee
Never asks for anything
Understands that even The Shape can treat himself
A classic with a small twist because while Halloween redefined modern horror, he knows the original is best

Ghostface: Blended Beverage

Prefers mobile ordering
Throws movie knowledge in your face
Usually gets multiple drinks, except for that one time
Threatens to gut you like a fish if you forget the whip

Jason Vorhees: Iced Americano

Never orders a water on the side
Will send his mom up to the counter if his order is wrong
Wants something that’ll get the job done because those teenagers aren’t gonna slice and dice themselves

Leatherface: Decaf Black Coffee

Plans to get his caloric intake from, uh, other sources
Have a drink holder handy because he’s picking up for the entire family
Always puts his best face forward, and don’t worry, he has plenty of them

The Strangers Trio: Three Cortados

Too cool for regular lattes
Always place orders under the name “Tamara”
Come in right before closing and make themselves at home

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