I Rewatched The First Three Episodes Of The Secret Life Of The American Teenager So You Don’t Have To

Hello, Movie Mavens! Welcome back to the B Movies Blog. Today, we’re popping the first three episodes of The Secret Life of the American Teenager into the ol’ VCR.

CW/TW: references to child SA and ab*s*

I’m one of those people who have to sleep with background noise, be it a show, podcast, or movie. Oftentimes, I’ll pick a show I’ve watched a million times or something I’ve seen before so that I don’t get distracted and wind up staying up later than I should.

A few weeks ago, I was flipping through streamers and landed on Secret Life for my bedtime show. And, y’all, it’s so much worse than I remembered it being.

This show is so bad, like NEXT LEVEL bad. The worst part is, I think the show meant well. I might be wrong, but I think their end goal was to get a dialogue about sex going between parents and teens. However, the execution is cringy at best.

For those who don’t know, Secret Life was created by Brenda Hampton, who also brought us the truly batshit 7th Heaven (which I’ll need to tackle in another piece).

We all know I love teen shows, but I honestly don’t know if I could keep watching this one, even though there’s an entire storyline where Grace thinks God killed her dad because she had sex.

If you don’t believe me, Google it.

In true B Movies fashion, I’ve decided to break down each of the episodes into my unhinged thoughts, so it’s like you’re watching the episodes with me. God help us both.

Episode One

Two North Korea jokes AND Avril Lavigne’s “Girlfriend” in the first five minutes? We’re off to the races.
I don’t mean this as an insult, but this was 100% written by someone who grew up in purity culture. I can say that because I grew up in public schools in Texas and was taught Sex Ed by coaches who blushed when they talked about HPV.
I’m so proud of Francia Raisa for making it through this.
Grace is so Fundie coded, albeit a well-intended Fundie, but a Fundie nonetheless.
I think Joe’s sweater is supposed to have little bats, but they look like tiny IUDs.
It’s like Saved! without the satire and commentary and humor.
Ben “I was just watching you” Boykewich is a walking red flag.
God, Ricky is the absolute worst, but I can also confirm that he fits the persona of a lot of drumline guys to a T.
Lauren is the only one with any sense…OPE JK.
Not Jack asking her when they’re going to get married as 15/16 year olds so that they can have sex, and Grace saying she wants to wait until AFTER MED SCHOOL.
I was making a bet with myself on how long it would be before they mentioned God’s Loophole, and I’m surprised it wasn’t brought up.
But, by god, there’s a forbidden fruit reference.
Is he the counselor or a member of CSI: Miami? Let a horny teenager join the marching band, Jesus.
That…is not how band works at all.
These writers have never spoken to anyone under 35 in their entire lives.
In what universe would a pediatrician give a teenage patient a gynecological exam when she went to her to write a paper?
Omfg, not “Daughters.”
DID THAT RANDOM WOMAN JUST HAND HER CHILD TO AMY WHILE SHE GOT UP?
God forbid a teenager show her belly button.
This dinner conversation makes my skeleton want to leave my body.
Tom is the best character on this show.
Ernie Hudson and Molly Ringwald deserve so much better than this.
Okay, I’ll give them Jack’s desperate and sexually frustrated prayer in-huddle because I laughed really hard.
“My dad is quite the driver?” Do these writers know what teenagers are?
Um, did these teenagers really say to trap Ben by pretending it’s his baby?
“I don’t know how to be a Christian AND a man right now”? GIVE ME A BREAK. You’re also a child.
HELL YEAH, TOM!

Episode Two

Ricky, John Bender called, and he wants his personality back.
Okay, I know Adrian is supposed to be the villain of the show, but she’s kind of iconic.
Also, STOP SHAMING PEOPLE FOR HAVING SEX.
Also, DON’T PRESSURE ANYONE TO HAVE SEX.
Also, STOP CALLING EACH OTHER “KID” WHEN YOU’RE ALL THE SAME AGE.
Yes, Grace’s Mom, YES.
Adriana walked so that Maddy Perez from Euphoria could run.
Okay, maybe I did adolescence wrong, but outside of celebrities, there was no one I talked about marrying.
Um, maybe let’s not say, “Hey, Ben, we know your mom died when you were 11, but it’s time to move on.”
I’m 31-years-old, and I would puke if someone said “My Baillee” as a pet name.
Ashley is an absolute queen, and I love how Hot Topic coded she is.
George is the WORST.
Jack basically saying, “Listen, I’m a Christian! I know I cheated, but I’m a Christian!” triggered me in ways you can’t imagine.
Honestly? I have no notes on how Grace’s parents talked to Jack.
Um, I would love to see the study that says the number one killer of women is “low self-esteem.”
The “I love you” phone call between Amy and Ben made my face physically contort in disgust.

Episode Three

Okay, well, we have a grown man ogling a 13-year-old girl, and that’s repulsive.
Ben assuming that his friend’s girlfriend meant she wanted to have sex with him. Good God.
Um…did the counselor just allude that he’d like to sleep with a teenage student?
I know I don’t drive, but is it commonplace for gas stations to give away free tampons for filling up your tank?
I’ve never been married, but uh, does anyone else find it weird that the Juergens are obsessed with their dad’s ex-wife and his ex-wife’s new husband when they have been divorced for years?
Grace’s mom is serving cunt with her hair and razor sharp eyeliner.
RIP Deborah Raffin.
Adrian’s “I ♻️ Boys” shirt is 2much4me.
I think they Googled “Mom Bealls” for Molly Ringwald’s wardrobe and then bought every thing that came up.
THESE CHILDREN HAVE BEEN DATING FOR 80 MINUTES. EVERYONE LEAVE THEM BE.
Yeah, Grace, the fact your parents don’t want you to date a guy who openly cheated on you is “being unreasonable.”
I am so unbearably uncomfortable with teenagers calling each other “so sexy.”
Okay, I honestly feel so bad for Ashley because she’s trying to hold their entire family together.