B Movies Blog

Hello, Movie Mavens! Welcome back to the B Movies Blog. Today, we’re popping what I think the Universal Monsters are like IRL into the ol’ VCR. 

If you missed the piece we did like this for the General Mills Monsters, I would suggest checking it out to understand what you’re in for. 

Essentially, this is one of those that no one else probably enjoys as much as I do, but hey, sometimes, you just have to do something for you. 

TL;DR – I’m going to be a silly goose and tell you what I envision the Universal Monsters being like IRL. 

That’s it. 

Yes, I’m serious. 

The only real disclaimer here is that I’m capping this list at seven.

I know that more characters are considered Universal Monsters, but I think we captured the core group here. 

Alrighty, that should do us for introductions and disclaimers.

Without further ado, here’s what I think the Universal Monsters are like IRL:

Dracula 

Much like Count Chocula and Nic Cage’s depiction of him in Renfield, I think Dracula would be a bit of an f boy. He would match with you on a dating app and then randomly unmatch you after a couple of dates. He would also definitely own NFTs, but you’d still try to defend him because of his perceived sophistication. 

The Mummy

The Mummy keeps his heart…under wraps. He’s one of those guys who *almost* gets it but still needs to do the work to educate himself about political issues. He’s not necessarily a bad guy, but you still can’t forgive all of his missteps. He has potential, but it’s going to take some legwork for him to get where he needs to be. 

The Invisible Man 

Out of all the Universal Monsters, the Invisible Man is the most self-conscious. He didn’t have a lot of luck dating in high school, so he’s nervous to ask anyone out on a date. He still nervously tugs at his clothes at special events, but he’s genuinely a good guy. Sometimes, his lack of confidence can cause problems, but he’s working on it in therapy and putting in all the work he needs to. 

The Bride of Frankenstein 

The Bride of Frankenstein’s favorite band is Wet Leg, and she’s a total queer icon. She’s fiercely independent and can quote Jawbreaker in its entirety. She and Frankenstein’s Monster are poly, and she’s recently been spotted with Jennifer Check. At the end of the day, she’s someone you can always rely on for the best music recommendations. 

Frankenstein (or, technically, Frankenstein’s Monster) 

Frankenstein’s Monster is the gentlest of giants, and his friends call him Frankie. He never forgets a birthday, and he always cries in My Girl. He works as a barista and behind the counter of his local comic book store, but is working on becoming a tattoo artist. He just DTR’d with the Creature from the Black Lagoon, and he and The Bride live happily in their studio apartment with their rescue dog, Bolt. 

The Wolf Man 

The Wolf Man may come across a little gruff, but he has a heart of gold. He’ll pick you up if your car breaks down, and he’s always ready to lend an ear when you need it. While he’s a man of few words, he does give great advice.

He doesn’t like to be out late, but he’ll always offer to come by in the morning and help you clean up after a party. He’s as reliable as they come, and he looks great in flannel. He and his husband, Derek, have been together for the past three years and often join The Bride and Frankie for brunch. 

The Creature from the Black Lagoon 

The Creature is the tortured artist type. They write poetry in their Moleskine that they’ll never share with the world, but it just feels better to get it out. They work with Frankie as a barista on the weekends and have a 9-to-5 they hate. They just became official with Frankie, and they’re smitten. The Bride also introduced them to Lucy Dacus, and they’ve never felt more inspired.