B Movies Blog

Hello, Movie Mavens! Welcome back to the B Movies Blog. Today, we’re popping the Fast & Furious series into the ol’ VCR. 

Okay, friends, this is it — the piece you’ve been waiting for. 

I watched the ENTIRETY of the Fast & Furious series for the very first time…and I have thoughts. 

Before we get into one of the most unhinged pieces I’ve ever written, we have a couple pieces of business to attend to, family. 

First and foremost, I watched the series in the order the movies were released, aka: 

• The Fast and the Furious (2001)
• The Turbo Charged Prelude For 2 Fast 2 Furious
• 2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)
• The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006)
• Fast & Furious (2009)
• Fast Five (2011)
• Fast & Furious 6 (2013)
• Furious 7 (2015)
• The Fate of the Furious (2017)
• Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw (2019)
• F9 (2021)
• Fast X (2023)

I know that Tokyo Drift is technically after Fast & Furious 6, but I wanted to soak up the full lore. I did, however, watch the prelude for 2 Fast 2 Furious, so I think I’ve more than paid my dues. I even watched all of the post credit scenes, thank you very much.  

Secondly, we all know that I respect the movie making process, and I don’t want to rag on it. These movies are meant to be silly and fun, so remember that when you read through my thoughts. The Fast & Furious series, or as it will be referred to henceforth, the FFS, isn’t meant to be picked apart for its social commentary. 

Last but certainly not least, I’m going to share all of my real time thoughts and reactions for each movie. These have only been edited for clarity, and I can assure you these are my genuine thoughts. But honestly, if you’ve been here for a while, there should be no question that all of these things truly went through my head. 

Before anyone can hack my system or try to release a deadly weapon of destruction, let’s make like a member of the team and put the pedal to the metal. 

The Fast and the Furious 

• Michelle Rodriguez is so hot.
• RIP Paul Walker. 
• “I like the Tuna” (STFU). 
• Let’s not throw out the f slur there, bud. 
• The fact I remember Nos having their own energy drink dates me more than anything I could ever say. 
• This soundtrack smells like 2001. 
• It’s just a HOT movie; that’s the best way I can describe it. Hot people, cool cars, the works. 
• Women be warned – we’re not portrayed well in this one. 
• When he says, “Damn, that guy’s fast,” I really wanted him to wait a beat and then go, “and furious.” 
• This franchise is made for the peeps who grew up playing racing arcade games with bikini-clad girls embossed on the sides, and I don’t mean that in a bad way; I played those games at my local movie theater and skating rink right there with you. 
• The Von Dutch, floppy disk, and mesh tanks SENT ME. 
• The fact that they’re stealing millions in DVD players, I can’t 

2Fast2Furious

• Universal, what on EARTH was that bumper?
• Honestly, let’s just talk about all of those graphics in the opening credits. 
• I watched this a few days after The Fast and the Furious and truly forgot Brian’s full name. 
• Let’s take the NPC fad and turn it into “Fast and Furious” characters where you wear distinct colors and say really cliched phrases. 
• I don’t feel great about drinking Nos energy drinks now. 
• “Oxide” is to FFS subtitles as “Squelching” is to Stranger Things subtitles. 
• Why is that man racing in khakis?
• “I may as well take my chances in Chino” – Do y’all think he knows Ryan Atwood?
• Hand to God, I had no idea that Eva Mendes was in this franchise. 
• I don’t know what I was expecting in a movie franchise about street racing, but there sure is a lot of death. 
• Some of these guys went to the Clark Griswold School of Driving. 
• I wish Suki had a bigger role. 
• WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE AMERICAN PSYCHO NOVEL IS THIS? 
• I love Tej. 
• No one noticed all of those giant ass walkie talkies?

I love Night at the Roxbury. 

The Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift 

• I can’t tell you how many times I watched this movie at my hometown movie theater. 
• I forgot about Zachary Tyler Bryan being in this. 
• Talk about Home DISimprovement, amirite?
• This is still one of my favorites, sorry.  
• The entire opening of this movie smells like Hollister. 
• Why are they the only ones with southern accents?
• This soundtrack is forever ingrained in my mind because I downloaded all the songs from Limewire. 
• Do these kids not have homework?
• Honestly, outside of not understanding how accents work, I don’t have a lot of notes. 

Fast & Furious

• Why are there two movies with essentially the same title? 
• Why does she call everyone BUBBA? Michelle Rodriguez deserves better than this. 
• Okay, I get it now. 
• The sheer DISRESPECT OF TREATING MY GIRL LETTY LIKE THAT. 
• Vin Diesel is [Insert Car Detective Pun Here] 
• More like the Fast & Foot Fetish, amirite?
• 20% angel, 80% devil – What in the name of a Volkswagen Beetle bumper sticker is going on here?
• Did anyone else get hot and bothered when Paul Walker wrapped his legs around Vin Diesel’s neck, or was it just me?

“Damn, dude, that guy looks Fast AND Furious.” 

Fast Five 

• I love the dramatic recap. I almost expect a *record scratch* followed by, “You’re probably wondering how I got here.”  
• I still maintain that it gets better from Tokyo Drift onwards. 
• This one feels the most video game-y to me. 
• I wonder if this is the life Delia pictured for herself. Or I would love for the reporter to have been Delia in the beginning as an Easter egg for the ultimate Faculty/F&F crossover we never knew we needed. 
• If this is an easy gig, I’d hate to see what a hard one is. 
• I’ve ridden the train countless times in my life, and the craziest thing that ever happened was the time we hit a cow. 
• I GASPED when the Rock stepped out of the plane. 
• I feel like Vince just keeps getting beefier and beefier from movie to movie. 
• I really wanted Dom to dance around the warehouse, Footloose-style, after he and Vince’s fight. 
• “You know I like my dessert first,” and, “Give me the damn veggies.” Y’all. 
• Take a drink every time they show Christ the Redeemer statue. 
• You can’t tell me The Rock and Vin Diesel haven’t kissed a little. 
• I feel like Jess Mariano would fit in well with this crew. 
• Oh man, a good ol’ fashioned team montage! 
• Take a drink of your beverage of choice anytime Dom says anything about “a job”/“the job.”
• What the actual fuck does, “That sounds like a whole lot of vaginal activity” EVEN MEAN??
• Why does she have her head shot hanging on the wall?

Fast & Furious 6 

• Why isn’t it called Fast & FuriouSix?
• I accidentally typed in “Fist & Furious” when I was searching something, which I feel is an entirely different series that retains the same sexual tension The Rock and Vin Diesel possess. 
• I feel like we regressed at least seven years with these opening credits. 
• “If you keep running your piehole, you’re going to be smelling an ass-kicking” – Someone truly typed “stereotypical 80s cop” into AI to write lines for The Rock. 
• Wait, Luke Evans is in this?
• Take a drink from your beverage of choice anytime anyone says “team.” 
• Where did they find all of these walkie-talkies? It looks like they were single-handedly keeping RadioShack in business. 
• You apparently never turn your back on family because they’ll shoot you.
• I miss Suki.  
• The phrase “me likey” should be illegal. 
• I would be the one to walk into that pawn shop while they were shaking up the owner. 
• Gal Godot looks like an entirely different person with highlights. 
• Dom: “Brian, our old life is over as soon as your baby is born.” Also Dom: “Be careful traveling to the US, where you’re wanted, to go see the cartel leader you put in prison!” 
• Stasiak looks like the love child of Sebastian Stan and Tim Robinson. 
• I forgot Rita Ora had a cameo that’s very P!nk a la Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle. 
• Are they ever going to acknowledge how many people die in these movies???
• Death Proof is Fast & Furious for film nerds. 
• HOW IS THERE OVER 45 MINUTES LEFT?
• I truly couldn’t tell you where these people are, setting-wise, from scene to scene. 
• The physics behind that catch scene broke my entire brain. 
• I love being able to predict and/or finish the Rock’s lines. It’s like I’m in the movie. 
• I feel like the supplementary characters in the FFS are more disposable than toilet seat covers. 
• Wait, did the FFS series popularize “ride or die??”
• I bawled when Gisele sacrificed herself for Han. 
• Okay, y’all sincerely can’t tell me that Vin Diesel and The Rock haven’t kissed a little after that weirdly-framed goodbye scene. 
• I feel like they always think this movie is going to be the last one. 
• You can’t tell me that this is like the MCU, and they planned for Tokyo Drift to canonically be the 7th movie in the franchise. 

SWAN DIVE 

Furious 7 

• How are they still mad? Boom, tss 🥁
• “Guys, I know what this franchise has been missing! Jason Statham!” 
• Yeah, Jason, let’s threaten all of the medical professionals who are the ones with capacity to heal your brother. 
• Okay, so, Letty just blindly trusts Dom after a few conversations and a photo? 
• I…don’t think you can call an event that. 
• Early Smosh called and they want their bikini girls back. 
• How are they racing in sandals? More importantly, why do we keep getting shots of their feet in sandals? Quentin, is that you? 
• So Letty wants to go find herself, when she and Dom grew up together, and she’s surrounded by things that could jog her memory? 
• Okay, Elena, I love the new hair! Pop off, girl! 
• “You just earned yourself a dance with the devil, boy.” 
• You really want to tell me that Jason Statham could beat up The Rock? 
• What’s the name of the insurance plan coverage for when large, muscular men throw themselves in the air to protect their partners?
• I don’t understand the gestational period for women within the FFS. 
• Why can’t any of these people have siblings that are accountants or real estate agents?
• Okay, I’m mad at all of you who told me that Tokyo Drift doesn’t count as a FFS movie when it comes back around MULTIPLE TIMES. 
• Omg, I’ve become emotionally invested because I started tearing up at the beginning when I remembered this is the movie where Paul Walker passed away. 
• I still don’t believe the level of MCU planning in this franchise. 
• Holy shit, James Wan directed this??
• Jason Statham is essentially Dan Stevens’s character from The Guest but worse.  
• I would watch a movie that’s a fight between shadows and ghosts. Direct that, James Wan. 
• We’re driving cars out of planes now. Got it. 
• Fast and Furious but with the car from Evil Dead. 
• Again, even with title cards, I couldn’t tell you where these people geographically are from scene to scene. 
• Tens of trees are cut down annually due to cars trying to outmaneuver armor-piercing bullets. 
• Jason Statham’s little beanie kills me. 
• Their frequent flier miles must be insane. 
• Dom, I don’t feel like this is the time to tell Shaw that you see your friends as family, which is a higher level of admiration.
• I don’t think that they remember the type of sandwich Brian ordered. 
• THE ROCK FLEXING OUT OF HIS CAST. 
• I need a shirt that says, “Daddy’s Gotta Go To Work” to wear when I’m researching shit like this. 
• You have two men. Fighting with phallic car parts. On top of a parking garage. I don’t have any appropriate commentary. 
• Additionally, I need a shirt that says, “Woman, I am the calvary.”
• Not me BAWLING from the beach scene through the end credits, even though the Paul Walker CGI is questionable. 
• Using Dom’s cross as wedding rings is the most FFS thing I’ve ever seen. 

The Fate of the Furious 

• Hand to god, I thought that was Sherri Moon Zombie. 
• Should we be openly talking about a classified weapon at a children’s soccer match?
• “I’m going to have them line up and kick you in the Tay-Tay.” Y’all. 
• How are Dom and Letty talking to each other?
• I feel like tumblr would take a screencap from the scene where Dom steals the canister from Hobbs and put the quote, “You either die the hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain” with it. 
• Sorry, but Scott Eastwood’s eyes have nothing on Paul Walker’s baby blues. 
• How on earth is the only cell in this prison directly across from Shaw?
• I miss Charlize’s action phase.  
• I like to think that Mr. Nobody is actually Santa. 
• Jason Statham’s fight style is honestly mesmerizing. 
• Her name is CYPHER. Jfc. 
• I’m in my early 30s and fell in the bathroom the other day, and all of them are 40+ and can jump from buildings. 
• How on earth does the math work for Dom to be this baby’s father?
• Cypher knew how Dom was gonna fight them off but didn’t know he had that contraption in the car?
• How is Helen Mirren uncredited??
• The blatant disregard for human life and property is truly unhinged. 
• I always forget that one of the plagues was raining cars. 
• I really want Hobbs and Shaw to have an enemy to lovers storyline. 
• It’s like Cypher read The Pearl once and then based her entire personality around it. 
• Elena deserved so much better. 
• I didn’t realize it was this easy to stop WWIII. 
• I love this Benoit Blanc rewind we do to show how they did the impossible thing they did.
• I never thought I would hear Helen Mirren say, “the devil’s butthole.” 
• How many guns does this gentleman carry on his person??
• I would pay big money to watch an entire movie where Shaw babysits for Dom. 

I love Orange is the New Black.

Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw

• What on god’s green earth is this “Time in a Bottle” cover?
• I’m honestly shocked it took them this long to get Idris involved. 
• I would bet good money that this is a rejected script or is based on a rejected script for a stand-alone movie. 
• I haven’t heard someone say “a can of whoop ass” in at least a decade. 
• I didn’t know Jason Statham was a Taylor fan. 
• As someone with a million tattoos, I can’t begin to tell you how much my skin crawled at the tattoo scene. 
• More like a family twig, amirite?
• Wait, when did Shaw get a sister?
• Ryan Renyolds? What is happening?
• Who isn’t in this movie??
• Why is Jigsaw running this operation?
• This is the most roundabout way I’ve ever heard someone get to the phrase “two to tango” in my life. 
• They 100% wanted to cast Florence Pugh. 
• I wonder what the Shaw Family Thanksgiving is like. 
• Fast & Furious Presents: Jumping the Shark 
• Okay, this is actually really fun. 
• THE SLO MO. 

F9

• They even got Michael Rooker involved. Nothing is sacred. 
• Y’all did Mr. Nobody DIRTY with that horrible video message. 
• Did Letty just throw a little shade at Brian and Mia because they didn’t want to endanger the lives of their children?
• John. Mutherfucking. Cena. C’mon. 
• Physics doesn’t exist in the FFS universe. 
• I understand that hackers need cool haircuts to establish they’re hackers, but Charlize Theron is the only human being I know that could pull off this friar special. 
• I really thought Tej and Roman were going to suggest that we’re living in a simulation. 
• My subtitles couldn’t decide if it was Project Ares or Project Aries to save its life. 
• Man, I miss Han. 
• We’ve gone to the past through flashbacks, so now, I want to see an entry in the FFS where they go to the future.. 
• Again, I flick my thumb at all of you who said Tokyo Drift wasn’t consequential to the FFS. 
• I feel like this group is equivalent to The Lone Gunmen from The X-Files. 
• Queenie is one of my favorite characters in this entire franchise. 
• THESE MEN LOOK NOTHING ALIKE. 
• Somehow Cardi B being in this movie makes more sense than most of the other actors they’ve pulled in. 
• Was that a Rocky Horror Picture Show reference? Maybe?
• A giant magnet? Where did these people learn villainy? Acme University?
• Ramsey, I get you girl. 
• The fact that no one has ever said, “Who’s the Nos?” seems like a missed opportunity. 
• I’m a sucker for meta commentary, but this ain’t it, sis. 
• I can’t begin to imagine how uncomfortable it would be to wear red leather pants for days on end. 
• SHUT UP, HAN RETURNS. 
• For the millionth time, there is no way there was this much planning for the interconnectivity of this series. 
• Are they also all immune to tear gas?
• That man just jumped down like Donkey Kong, and I truly can’t. 
• “As long as we obey the laws of physics, we’ll be fine.” My man, I don’t know what franchise you think we’re in, but I have news for you. 
• I think the logistics of Pigs in Space made more sense than Tej and Roman being up there, and those were Muppets. 
• Wait, John Cena is just playing his character from Psych. 
• Lucas Black’s accent gets thicker and thicker throughout the franchise. 
• Also, how has no one said, “Catch my drift?” when referencing Tokyo. 
• UGH, not them leaving a seat at the table for Paul. 

I always had a soft spot for Mutt and Alexis as a couple. 

Fast X 

• It was only a matter of time before they tapped Jason Momoa. 
• Oh my god, this guy wants to be a Bond villain so bad. 
• Christ the Redeemer is back! I’ve missed you, buddy. 
• I was so confused by Paul Walker’s presence until I realized this was a flashback. 
• Rita’s outfit is INCREDIBLE. 
• How many computer chips can there possibly be?
• Who took these photos?
• Wait, wasn’t Cypher RIGHT THERE when Elena died?
• Okay, but honestly that blade licking was hot. 
• Jason Momoa is having the absolute time of his life in this movie. 
• Yeah, let’s just shoot at a giant flaming ball of death. That seems like the best option here, fellas. 
• Did they just blow up The Pope?
• BRIE!! 
• I know where Tbilisi is, but I want to make sure that YOU know where Tbilisi is. 
• OMG, this is Twisted Metal. 
• Not the slo mo Colosseum shot. 
• Queenie is the best character here, and I said what I said. 
• DAMN, GIRL, use that cast iron skillet. 
• Do you think there’s any relation to Austin Ames from A Cinderella Story?
• I feel like John Cena requested that “Good Vibrations” be used in this movie. 
• I don’t even drive, and it turns out I know less about cars after watching this franchise than I did before. 
• Dante’s purple outfit is giving me LIFE. 
• Oh my god, he’s just a more fashionable Sweet Tooth. 
• What in the name of FNAF: Security Breach is this technology?
• Black market operations feel good in a place like this.
• I wonder which of the cars Pete Davidson dated. 
• Cypher wants to be in the family so bad that she can’t stand it. 
• “You butthole.” STOPPP.
• We’re this far in, and I still have no explanation for the walkie talkies. 
• JAKOB, NO. 
• I’m glad that Little B inherited the defying physics gene. 
• Little B is going to need so much therapy. 
• WAIT, THIS ENDS ON A CLIFFHANGER???

Final Thoughts 

I absolutely get it now. These movies are fun to pop on when you don’t have anything going on, and you need an over-the-top action flick. The first couple of entries are like a time capsule for the early aughts, and this is a franchise many people grew up watching. I feel the same way about Terminator 2: Judgment Day, The Last Action Hero, and other 80s and 90s action flicks. 

Now comes the part I don’t think some of you are gonna like. I think the FFS is a rare example of the later entries being better than the earlier ones. I honestly believe the first two movies are the weakest. I also don’t know that I would watch all of them again like this. While y’all were watching these, I was watching the likes of Crank and Domino, so those movies hold the same nostalgic value for me that the FFS series holds for many of you. But, I would definitely be down for an Alamo Drafthouse event or a soda and pizza night that’s FFS-themed. 

And with that, I think it’s time to say grace.