B Movies Blog

Hello, Movie Mavens! Welcome back to the B Movies Blog. Today, we’re popping Emily Moss Wilson’s Dear Christmas into the ol’ VCR. 

Friends, I know it’s the holiday season, but I’m about to eviscerate a cheesy Christmas movie. We let this happen, and the straights are truly out of control. 

Now listen, everyone did the best they could with what they had. Unfortunately, they didn’t have a whole lot. 

“Hey, Jason, do you want to start a recap podcast with me?” 

Jason Priestly’s character is named Chris Massey. The man’s name is CHRISTMASSY. 

Yeah, so. There’s that. 

The only way I could probably convey my emotions to all of you is through everyone’s favorite: a stream of consciousness blog. 

If you’re new around here, I write down my genuine emotions while watching a movie. Outside of fixing any typos or editing ever-so-slightly for clarity, these are my sincere thoughts. Anyone who knows me can attest to this. 

Grab your tow truck hot chocolate and old journal, and let’s get started. 

Jesus’ birth looks different than I thought it would. 

• Of course she’s a podcaster. 
• I can’t decide if Earmuffs is either the best or the worst name for a podcast company I’ve ever heard. 
• I lost count of how many cliches MJH strung together to describe true love. 
• I love that the budget was so small that they couldn’t even film her in a car. 
• It’s the sexy Christmas music when Jason Priestly gets out of the truck for me. 
• Ed Begley Jr. deserves way better than this. 
• When she said, “You look familiar,” I really wanted him to say, “Yeah, because I’m Jason Priestly.” 
• Cato sponsored this film. 
• Grandma really said, “Don’t ruin this holiday with your birth, baby.” 
• All of the couples in the listener videos clearly hate each other. 
• Listen, not to be that guy, but I was in band for six years, and, uh, there were no red flutes. 
• Can you imagine if she went to bed in a tank top and opened that window to Jason with a titty out?
• I don’t understand why she’s so baffled at the fact that Mr. Christmas professionally hangs Christmas lights. 
• How in the name of childhood trauma did she forget about him?
• Girl, what did you trip over? Your repressed memories?
• Her parents are definitely swingers. 
• Man, I wish I was an investment banker that could buy a bookstore on a whim. 
• OKAY FINE, I DID GET A LITTLE MISTY EYED AT THE WHOLE TOWN PUTTING HEARTS IN THE WINDOWS FOR HEALTHCARE WORKS. ACAB, THOUGH. 
• I think she’d prefer for him to get into her gift basket, if you catch my drift. 
• I have no idea how Natalie’s name correlates to Christmas unless she’s sincerely saying it’s derived from nativity. 
• I swear to god that their outside Christmas decorations change every single time they’re outside. 
• Her sister sincerely just asked that man if he was going to bang MJH with a present euphemism. 
• NO FAMILY TALKS LIKE THIS. My sister once stabbed me in the head with a fork over a brownie. That’s normal. 
• Wait…if Billy is also coming from Chicago, and that’s where Natalie came from, could he not just drive to their house?
• I know I’m sober, but choosing to make their kitchen cutesy scene centered around  making cocktails is a WEIRD artist decision. 
• My man, this night is clear as day. 
• Shoutout to her dad for doing the bare minimum and counting it as a Christmas gift. 
• Her sister’s baby bump has moved around at least four times in this movie. 
• I was waiting for the dead wife angle and was almost bummed that it wasn’t a plot point. 
• This is the most sensual glass blowing scene I’ve ever seen in my entire life. 
• Her sister’s hair is way too hip for this movie. 
• Okay, so let’s recap. Her sister is in labor, and she can’t go to the ball, and THAT’S the conflict? 
• What in the name of the fear of copyright infringement is this Christmas song?
• But seriously. This man just sang “glow with ornaments and lights.” 
• Let’s not even begin to talk about how problematic it is that Penny is dating her employee…who works in HR. 
• GIRL, YOU’RE  GOING TO LET ONE THING YOUR BOSS,  WHO IS DATING HER EMPLOYEE, SAID COMPLETELY DERAIL A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?
• Her mom basically just gave her the same advice from Bo Burnham’s song about love. 
• Silly grandma, Oliver can’t smoke cigars! He looks like more of a menthol baby. 
• I would crawl in a hole and die if my family had me stand next to a person I liked and made them hold my sister’s baby. 
• I’m honestly a little obsessed with the idea of depressed Christmas cookies. 
• I’d be so pissed if someone dumped me and then said, “OH DON’T WORRY, I FOUND MY EIGHTH GRADE JOURNAL, AND I LIKED YOU BACK THEN, SO TRUE LOVE TOOK TIME, AND WE CAN BE TOGETHER!” 
• I’m sorry, Nat, but you’ve got nothing on Delilah.
• I was going to talk smack about her sharing their story on the podcast…and then I remembered I’ve written about multiple people. Whoops. 
• Girl, you just said that man’s Christian name on a global show. I’ve never even been that bold. 
• Did he essentially just give her a…promise ring? In their 30s?
• These credits are tiny because they don’t even want to be seen with this film.