B Movies Blog

Hello, Movie Mavens! Welcome back to the B Movies Blog. Today, we’re popping Sweet Valley High into the ol’ VCR. 

Welcome to Sweet Valley High 

Boy oh boy, do I have a good one for all of you today. For those unfamiliar with the Sweet Valley High series, or Sweet Valley High in general, let me give you a quick rundown. 

Sweet Valley High began as a book series in 1983 and became a pop culture phenomenon for over two decades (and for those like me, continues to be). While the authorship of the novels is always credited to Francine Pascal, the series was actually crafted by ghostwriters that Pascal supervised and produced. 

SVH follows identical twins, Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield, as they navigate their teenage (and in some books we’ll get to in the honorable mention, collegiate) years. The best way I can describe their relationship is that of Needy and Jennifer from Jennifer’s Body. Elizabeth is our sweet little Needy, while Jessica strives to devour all of the boys at Sweet Valley High and beyond. Succubus not included. 

While there is a rotating group of characters the girls interact with, the main crew is comprised of: 

• Lila Fowler – who walked so Amber from Clueless could run. 
• Enid Rollins – my personal favorite who they turn into a total C U Next Tuesday for no apparent reason. 
• Winston Egbert – another wonderful character who they turn into Caleb Nichol.
• Todd Wilkins – a man who makes a sack of potatoes look like a real charmer. 
• Bruce Patman – a poor little rich boy who gives major “I’m self-made from Daddy’s money” vibes. 

The girls also have parents who are nowhere to be seen in the series, and a brother, Stephen, who I just found out while doing this research has a whole coming out storyline. We stan a gay icon*. 

*I have no clue what all his coming out story entails, so take what I’m saying here with a metric ton of salt. 

I bet Bruce and Jessica try to find a pharmacy with Plan B in this one! 

A series of unhinged events 

Okay, let’s get to the reason we’re all here: the series. Sweet Valley High blessed us with 88 episodes across 4 seasons, ran from 1994-1997, and starred Britney and Cynthia Daniel (more on this duo later) as Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield. You might be asking, “But, Baillee, where should I start?” That’s a great question. Let me give you a few of my favorite plots: 

• The one where Jessica, a teenager, thinks a prince she spends 12 hours with is going to propose to her. 
• The one where Jessica is painted NUDE by another student (just a reminder that they’re in high school) although she was wearing a bikini, and the twins trick the artist into dropping trou while the SVH crew takes nude photos of him for retribution and blackmail. 
• The one where Elizabeth flatlines in front of her sister and boyfriend*.
• The one where Jessica is kidnapped and held at gunpoint after Elizabeth and Winston accidentally take a photo of a crime on the beach. 
• The one where Elizabeth and Winston win homecoming king and queen and perform the raunchiest homecoming dance I’ve ever seen. 
• The one where Lila and Jessica fight for a starring role that is, unbeknownst to them, for a tomato soup commercial. 

*I should also mention this is the same episode where I thought Bruce called someone a “tampon stain,” only to find out he called Winston a “poached egg.” 

There are so many classics to choose from, and that’s just from the first season. Hell, these plots are all taken from the first 10 episodes. 

Still not convinced? Let me introduce you to what might be the best theme song in teen drama history. 

Video source: Will Henriquez

I don’t know what I love most about this theme song. The fact that it insinuates we’ve never seen twins before? The fact it’s a jaunty 90s number? The fact it says “valleh” like every member of the band is an extra from The Witch? I have absolutely no notes except that they just don’t write them like this anymore. 

But don’t worry, friends. The music doesn’t stop with this bitchin’ theme song. There are also original songs sprinkled throughout episodes that are reminiscent of songs Gus and his friends would write for movies in Love. I would say they were almost Bob Burgers-esque, but I don’t want to do that to Bob’s Burgers. 

The most important thing to keep in mind when watching this series is that the characters are all high schoolers because this series is, in fact, set at a high school. And believe me, it won’t always make you feel warm and fuzzy to remember; it will make you feel exclusively worse. 

I was going to make a Midsommar joke, but honestly, none of my commentary will ever be as good as this book cover. 

A reboot? Not with these shoes 

There was a brief moment in time where a reboot was announced (no, not that time, the most recent one). And not just any reboot. This sweet, gone-too-soon angel was going to have FREAKIN’ JOSH SHWARTZ AND STEPHANIE SAVAGE ON DECK AS EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS. Yes, THAT Josh Shwartz and Stephanie Savage. Unfortunately, the reboot seems to be dead, and I’m once again reminded of why I hate it here. 

Brittany and Cynthia Daniel

I know I don’t normally feature the actors in the shows I’m talking about like this, but I found out some really awesome things about Brittany and Cynthia Daniel when doing my research that I wanted to share with the class. 

After SVH ended, Brittany would go on to add some notable credits to her resume like: 

• Eve in Dawson’s Creek
• Brandy in Joe Dirt 
• Megan Vandergeld in White Chicks 
• Dani Cummings in The Hamiltons 

She and Cynthia also played Melanie and Michele 2022’s Cheaper by the Dozen. 

However, as iconic as Brittany’s roles were, I want to talk about her and Cynthia’s lives off camera. Not only did Cythnia donate an egg to a surrogate so that Brittany could have a baby, but Brittany beat Non-Hodgkin lymphoma*, and I think that that’s incredibly badass. 

*Some sources said it was Stage 3 while others said Stage 4. 

Brittany and Cynthia, if you’re reading this, the people need a rewatch pod. By people, I mean a 30-something pop culture writer who shrieked when she discovered Sweet Valley High was streaming on Prime. 

Honorable mentions 

If you’ve made it this far, I truly salute you. My tween obsession of Sweet Valley High possessed my entire body, and this piece is what was expelled. I promise I’m *almost* done, but I have two more tiny things about the SVH multiverse I want to mention before I cut you loose. 

I would be remiss if I didn’t talk about two of my favorite SVH pieces of media. First and foremost, the board game. My sister is 15 years older than me, so we used to play the game ALL THE TIME. I would always beg to be Enid, and this piece has made me start looking for a copy of it out of nostalgia. 

Secondly, we have to talk about the SVH, or should I say SVU (Sweet Valley University — backoff Hargitay and Meloni), novel, Kiss of the Vampire. Yes, friends, there was an entire line of Sweet Valley University THRILLER books, and I can’t recommend Kiss of the Vampire enough. I rebought a copy off of eBay two years ago, and I regret nothing.

How my anxiety sees the large iced coffee I’m about to drink on an empty stomach.