B Movies Blog

Hello, Movie Mavens! Welcome back to the B Movies Blog. Today, we’re popping one of the best ideas I’ve ever had into the ol’ VCR. 

I recently wrote a piece where I paired movies with each level of Hell. 

It’s one of my favorite things I’ve ever done, but there’s one ring I couldn’t let go. 

That’s right, friends. We’re pairing each level of the Inferno with a song from the HSM franchise. 

I’ll give that a second to sink in. 

I’ll be totally honest. This is one of my favorite ideas I’ve ever come up with. 

The way I CACKLED pairing these songs in this piece and the movies in the last piece. 

If this and my first Bo Burnham piece prove to be my legacy, I’m totally fine with it. 

I said this in the other piece, but please know that I’m not here to make fun of anyone’s beliefs. 

Unless you’re a hateful jerk who doesn’t believe that Black Lives Matter, Trans Rights are Human Rights, Drag Isn’t Dangerous, thinks books should be banned, wants to hurt the LGBTQIA+ community, etc… 

In that case, I honestly don’t care what you believe because it isn’t right. 

I digress. 

I spent Easter Sunday morning (I swear) pairing HSM songs with the nine levels of Hell. And, honestly, I had a blast. 

Without further ado, I give you a HSM musical song to represent each of the nine levels of Hell that would even have Virgil tapping his toes: 

Circle 1: Limbo as “What Time Is It”

Limbo is similar to being stuck in Ms. Darbus’s (Alyson Reed) class. There is no concept of time. Summer never comes. Jason (Ryne Sanborn) continues to ask Ms. Darbus about her life, keeping the HSM crew stuck in her classroom for eternity. However, there’s AC and a VHS copy of Remember the Titans, so it’s not all bad. 

Circle 2: Lust as “Start of Something New” 

Troy (Zac Efron)  and Gabriella (Vanessa Hudgens) meet on a cruise ship, and it’s teenage love at first sight. However, this first duet would prove to be their downfall. They each want a new life outside, but, alas, they’re teenagers and forced to stay in the same box until college where they learn the importance of being a multi-faceted adult. And, you know, that they’re both probably queer. 

Circle 3: Gluttony as “I Want It All” 

I feel like this one speaks for itself. If you sing an entire song about wanting everything, you can go ahead and pack your pink Prada tote for Circle 3, Sharpay (Ashley Tisdale). 

Circle 4: Greed as “Fabulous” 

Sharpay, Sharpay, Sharpay. Did you really need the turkey imported from Maine? Or the towels imported from Turkey? Or a waterproof piano? I hope all of these material possessions were worth it because you can’t be a Maxxinista in Hell; they only have a single Bealls. 

Circle 5: Anger as “Scream” 

Troy, we understand you were upset, but ripping down comically large posters of yourself during a scream-singing number won’t solve anything. Not to mention that we didn’t forget about aggressively punching the ground in “Bet On It.” 

Circle 6: Heresy as “Breaking Free” 

Apparently, the “H” in “HSM” stands for “Heretics.” Kids, there was a very specific belief system established in “Stick to the Status Quo,” but you went against the very ideology high school is founded on. Enjoy every day being mystery-meat day in the cafeteria and the smell of moldy carpets mixed with Bath & Body Works sprays for the duration of your afterlife. 

Circle 7: Violence as “Bet On It” 

We told you we didn’t forget your little hissy fit, Troy. Punching the defenseless grass because you chose success over your friends? Also, don’t even try to blame it all on your CGI reflection. He actually started an anti-fracking group and regularly donates to Planned Parenthood. 

Circle 8: Fraud as “I Don’t Dance” 

Chad (Corbin Bleu), the next time you sing an entire song claiming you don’t do something…you probably shouldn’t spend the entire three and a half minutes doing that thing. Ryan (Lucas Grabeel)  may have been the serpent in the garden, but you bit the apple. 

Circle 9: Treachery as “You Are The Music In Me (Sharpay’s Version)” 

Troy, we understand that Sharpay can give you everything you want. The best collegiate basketball programs. Money. A waterproof piano. But, you betrayed Gabriella to the point that she called her mom to pick her up in their minivan. If you thought Gabriella’s stage fright was bad, try being perpetually frozen in a block of ice for your transgressions.