B Movies Blog

Hello, Movie Mavens! Welcome back to the B Movies Blog. Today, we’re popping the Final Destination series into the ol’ VCR.

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by the Final Destination series! 

As most of you know, horror movies don’t bother me. 

But, by god, have the Final Destination movies made me think twice about common, everyday objects becoming death traps. 

In honor of the sixth installment of the franchise, Final Destination: Bloodlines, hitting theaters this week, I decided to rewatch all of its predecessors so that I can give you a little Joe Bob Briggs-esque recap. 

And yes, I had way more fun with this than I should have. 

I should also probably CW/TW these movies, but I’m not exactly sure how. 

These movies are extremely gory, but they’re so over the top that I have a lot of friends who don’t typically do horror or gore but love this series.

With that in mind, I’ll just give our traditional disclaimer to research these movies before watching and/or to have a trusted person watch first. 

Alrighty, that should do us for introductions and disclaimers. 

Without further ado, and that’s what you missed on Glee Final Destination: 

Final Destination

• The survivors of Flight 180 learn about Death’s Design, which bears a striking resemblance to a deranged Rube Goldberg machine. 
• Ali Larter also contributed to my gay awakening. 
• Key terms: train tearing, electrical endings, shower strangulation, mug murder, bus blunders, tetanus threats, sign splitting, Parisian peril 

Final Destination 2

• After narrowly escaping a fatal multi-car crash, the survivors must team up with Clear, the only remaining survivor of the OG crew, to try to cheat death once again. 
• FD2 is also responsible for giving every millennial a lifelong fear of log trucks. 
• Key terms: shirtless frying, gratuitous MapQuest gazing, biker boobies, laughing gas mishaps, sidewalk splatter, death dodging, premonition perils, body BBQ 

Final Destination 3

• You’ll never believe it, but a group of teenagers finds themselves being stalked by Death after evading a deadly roller coaster accident. 
• Ryan Merriman could’ve used The Luck of the Irish, amirite?
• Key terms: tanning bed terror, coaster calamity, drive-thru deadliness, nail gun nightmares, clairvoyant cameras, subway slaughter, immature insults, cranium crushing 

The Final Destination 

• I’m noticing a theme here. After avoiding death at a race track, survivors must try to defeat Death before it’s too late. 
• I miss the days when movies were specifically made as a vehicle for 3D. 
• Key terms: escalator evisceration, race track rowdiness, bench breaking, cowboy chivalry, prophesying pamphlets, car crushing, spine stomping, putrid pools 

Final Destination 5 

• Guess what? After escaping a deadly bridge collapse, a group of survivors must decide whether their lives are worth more than others. 
• The real star of this film is the person who yells, “Call 911!” in the gym after someone is folded in half like a human calzone. 
• Key terms: legendary lore, acupuncture anarchy, LASIK lunacy, gory gymnastics, putrid pileups, cracking concrete, spine snapping, joint jostling, daytime drinking, bashing Buddhas

My current ranking 

Okay, so, y’all are gonna roast me for this one, but as of now, here’s how my ranking stands: 

1, 5, 3, 2, 4

This may change with the addition of Bloodlines because I’m seeing some really good early reviews, but only time will tell. 

My final question 

After rewatching the entire series, there’s only one big question that remains: 

Where do the premonitions come from?

God? Life? A late-night burrito? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this one.